just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
