I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
