Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
