We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
