I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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