When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
