But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
