There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Everclear isn't food dammit
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
