You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
