there was a trapeze. enough said
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
