he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I need to align my fucking chakras
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
