the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
