I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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