I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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