So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
