I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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