So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
