She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
