There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
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