I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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