and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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