Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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