It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
