A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
