took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
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