I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
