I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
