If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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