Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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