I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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