Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i now understand why vodka
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
