It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
