Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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