I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
