Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
