You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
