cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
These tits shall not be calmed
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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