Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
