just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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