and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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