i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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