Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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