he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
