yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
