if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
