i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
