My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
