my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she told me i tasted like america
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
