dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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