Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
