Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
