I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
